My Journey

A first post can be so intimidating - where to begin?  At the beginning?  So I was born...haha no.  That's not the beginning.  No the real beginning is about 6 months ago...

I was leading a ministry, doing God's work, or what I thought was His work.   I was awaiting my relief, someone to take my place as I tagged out due to mental and emotional exhaustion.  I had worked myself into a spiritual emptiness, ran my family into the ground, let bitterness and resentment dig deep into my heart, and lost my love for His Church.  I was at the proverbial rock bottom.

I had spent the last seven years lost in the Gospel of works.  I didn't know the real Jesus.  And I couldn't imagine sharing the Jesus I thought I knew to anyone in my life.  He was a harsh task master, a condemner, and a guilt layer.  Why would anyone want to join me in that? 

I would sing the songs of His grace and mercy, and then push myself to the brink of a meltdown trying to earn my keep.  It was like living a double life. 

My identity was wrapped up completely in my ministry.  My worth and value found only in my position of leadership.  Losing that cost me everything.

Whoever finds their life will lose it, and whoever loses their life for my sake will find it. ~Matthew 10:39

My closest friends kept telling me that this ministry was poison to me.  My husband would shake his head at my stubbornness.  How could I give up the one thing that made me have any value?

Finally, a dear friend gave me an ultimatum.  You need to step down.  This month.   Her bluntness shocked me.  But it was true, I couldn't keep talking about how much this ministry was hurting me and then do nothing about it.  She had endured my confessions for a year and it was time to deal with it.

I prayed that day for God's leading.  If I was supposed to step down, then the conversation would present itself.  I wasn't going to force it.  And...it did.    It took 6 months to fully transition out, but it did happen.  In the end I was left empty.  The gradual training and mentoring I had expected to do didn't happen.  We had a couple meetings, and that was it.  I was left like a well-wisher watching the ship sail away.  And I realized that I had nothing left.  I had no faith apart from works.

That place of complete emptiness, barrenness, is a horrible and beautiful place.  Horrible because you have nothing to cling to and you feel worthless...but beautiful because that's when Jesus can begin to fill you.  It was like He was saying, "There you are...I couldn't get to you before because of your wall of works.  Now come, follow me."  How could He fill me before when I had already filled myself with my accomplishments and service for Him?

And that's where my journey began - in a place of complete emptiness.