As I wade through this period of complete inner overhaul, I also find myself waiting patiently in His cocoon. I am waiting for His call. My first instincts are usually either the emotional overreaction or passive avoidance of conflict and change. But lately, I find myself in this place of expectant waiting.
I find myself pausing in the midst of my emotional turmoil - being still...quiet. For the first time, I am looking to my Father and trusting in His care and love for me. When something stings, instead of stinging back, I look up to Him and ask - "What should I do? This hurt." I can tell Him honestly, openly, that it did hurt, but also wait patiently as I trust that He will guide me through the choppy waters. I also am owning my bitterness and ugliness in that pain. This hurt and my heart is oozing the sin that You knew was there all along...and yet You still love me.
It's ok not to be perfect. I can stop pretending to feel the "right" thing. I can stop stuffing the ugly back inside. Locking it inside me is not letting Christ renew me - it's hiding my sin from Him. It is the ever present story of Eve.
Then the man and his wife heard the sounds of the Lord God as he was walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and they hid from the Lord God among the trees of the garden. ~ Genesis 3:8
But God doesn't let us stay there - He woos us out to Him, in His gentle, soft way - the way only He knows - He penetrates that ugliness, the darkness that we hide in.
But the Lord God called to the man, "Where are you?" ~ Genesis 3:9
He finds me in my dark places. He coaxes me out of my little cave of pain and protection. He tells me sweetly...
Keep your eyes on me. Don't look down...just look right at me.
And then I move forward.
In the morning, O Lord, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation. ~Psalm 5:3
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